The Sh(Citty) of Portland, Maine

Swimming With The Fishes

I have lived here in Portland, Maine since the early 1980s and things have not changed much at all. Sure, there are
alot of new parking garages, we finally got a new mayor who is black and Deering Oaks finally got a Park back (Deering Oaks
now has a small wading pool with fountains so that people who have little or no money can enjoy their park and cool off
in the Hot Summer sun when it is muggy, etc. But, from what I can tell, The City of Portland Maine has gone downhill
considerably when it was a hot, hustling little burg of the suburbs or something like that. I remember when Portland, Maine
was a cool little city to live in, more like a town, not a city but things have changed: Portland, Maine should call itself
"One of the Grubbiest Little SH*tty Citys to Live in" or change that monicker that is put on the side of Portland Police Cars
from "Protecting a Great City" to "Protecting a Sh*tty Little City." or change its logo from "A Lot of Fun for a Little City" to
"A Lot of Sh*t for a Little City"? Why? Because Portland, Maine has gone down hill as I am already elaborating on this piece about why I am sick of Portland, Maine and it is time to move, [for me]. There used to be a beautiful mini castle in the park where people could go until one day some idiot who worked there
left the fryolater (french fry stand) on one night and that was almost the end of the Little Castle in The Park. Well, most of it. The Portland Maine Police are typically
stressed out sons of bitches and bastards who typically Profile anyone who has ever gotten into trouble and treat people who
have not learned any better (people like me and others) like Little Criminals, as I paraphrase from Randy Newman who is now from Los Angeles. [Don't know
where he originally is from]. And then there are the Parking Nazis who regularly go around handing out as many tickets as they
can to people who forget to park correctly on the streets of Portland, Maine. The shitty of Portland, Maine is not properly laid out
to begin with with all of its parking meters and signs that tell you to park here or there, and, there is not much ticket forgiveness
except on the weekends but how many years has this taken me to learn? Yeah, so what, I am a critical son of a bitch in more
ways than one and it is not that I love Portland, Maine. I do and I don't. It is a love/hate relationship or should I say, "Relationshit" as
you would think the City Planners/Fathers would do a better job of running (not ruining) the city of Portland, Maine instead of trying to run it into the ground.
I realize that we all get stressed out again and again and to the point of needing to take a break from whatever it is that we
do that makes us happy but Enough is Enough (No More Tears) like that famous song by Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer. Why can't the city
fix what is broken and why can't things be done more properly here? Greed, I tell you, greed. And Portland, Maine is supposed to
be on the Top 10 List of Great Little Cities to live in? I just don't see it.
A good friend of mine by the name of Jeff moved to Lewiston/Auburn recently and he claims and I would not doubt him that L/A is a
great place to live. It is laid out more properly than Portland, Maine and the City Planners seem to take better care at what they are doing to clean up the city of the b.s. that goes on there.
I wouldn't doubt him, if you can get away from the crack houses and the drugs and crime that L/A is so well known
for and that seem to be infiltrating the area. Just what are you going to do??? Just what are you going to do?
The point here? Portland, Maine could use a complete overhaul. Whatever happened to that Fish Aquarium we were supposed to get years ago? What about Ocean Gate and the building of the Ferry Terminal so that Portland, Maine can get more Tourists here and more money as Portland, Maine is not as great as some people claim it is. I should know. I have lived here mostly on, for a long time, not off.
What about cleaning up the Waterfront and developing it for use? Is that going to happen when I am dead or what??? Come on, come on, come City Council. Wake the Fuck Up and get moving instead of dragging your asses around and making Private Money deals and paying off people, etc. The city is ripe for another Lawsuit, that much I know. Maybe I will win the lawsuit lottery next. Just maybe. That would be saweeet!!!
And, how about the City Street Signs of Portland, Maine being reorganized
properly with the signs being updated and what not as the place to live in would be Los Angeles as I have been told by my
good friend, Jeff, that at least the parking situation has been alleviated and people are treated humanely as much as possible there. However, the is still a problem with those damn noise machines that make tons of noise just to move leaves out of the way in Los Angeles. There is nothing like hearing one of them late at night and wondering to yourelf, "Is that person crazy for turning on a machine so late in the night to do work or am I really just dreaming??? This ain't happening, but it does."
Many of you who read this are going to jump the gun and say, this bitch, Ashley Lenartson, (that would be me) is much too critical
of Portland, Maine. "I like Portland, Maine just the way it is." Fooey. Fooey. Fooey.
The people who say these things just don't know better. They might
need a little bit more education and some updating themselves, personally, I think. Everyone could use a major overhaul of their act, including Madonna but she has been doing it for so long that I think she just gets bored to tears and goes back to being her regular self and you know what that is: just dissing it out and thinking people might like it. She is suck a Sadist, if you know what I mean. She looks best in Stilettos (high heels) anyways.
The point of this letter? I could go on at length but I am sure that you get the point: Portland, Maine prides itself in being a great place to
live but I just don't see it. Sure, there are a lot of restaruants to eat at but most of them are so ladden down with crappy food and chemicals that is is best to stay home and cook a healthy meal for once and try not to have a heart attack while you are busy changing your diet around to one that is healthful and life giving that it is not
enough to clog your arteries and kill you. The streets of Portland, Maine are crappy and dirty on account of pigs throwing junk out on
the streets (these would be people who are uneducated and stupid or something like that), and, Portland, Maine when it is just hot enough in
the Summer smells like a cesspit, or to put it more plainly: a garbage dump: nice and raunchy, if you like raunchy. If you know what I mean.
I admit that Portland, Maine has been improved quite a bit since the early 1980's but it has not changed by much. Mostly what I
hear as my ears are trained to hear b.s. when I know it, is the following: we have been promised things that the councilors have never
been able to deliver, the Police are still as hostile as ever with busting gay and straight men for having sex on the Promenade (crack downs
on the fags, if you ask me) and the Portland Metro Bus system is finally getting an overhaul? That is great.
But, there is still Subterfuge (hiding) everywhere I go. Look that one up in the dictionary. That is your assignment for the day. However, if one could just
get rid of all the rude employees who make snide remarks when one is in the office contesting a stupid parking ticket with that Asshole
who is responsible for giving out tickets, I think his name is Andy, then maybe I wouldn't be such a pissed off camper. I used to love
Portland, Maine even with the gay bashings (don't approve of, lucky to be alive, etc.), the smelly trash cans and the hostile cops. You know
the next time I get stopped by a Portland Maine Cop for being up late at night dragging stuff home or for hanging out in the Park late at night
after dark I am going to ask him or her what she is doing after dark as I have a fantasy of being molested by a Portland Maine Cop. That might be fun, especially if he or she was hot. I don't want a Big Bear Cop Molesting me, that is for sure. That happened once when I was living at HellHole Island, somewhere on Irving Street with St. Lunatic, that would be my former slumlord, Donald Tramp. Being taken advantage of a hot cop is one of my fantasies anyways. That would be fun,
fun, fun. If they can usurp their authority, then I may as well crack a few jokes and get them going as they deserve nothing less, just to keep
them on their toes. Besides, it distracts them and confuses them to no end, that is fur sure. Yes, I know I ramble on and on but I hope this stupid little diatribe has made you laugh. That is what I hope.
No, I am not a former City worker who is disgruntled about their job. I just want a little bit of respect every now and then and to not be treated
like I am a FREAK from AZOID or wherever it is that people think I come from. Oh, that is right, I forget, I am from URANUS. Yes, people do notice you when you take better care of your
self but they also notice when you don't fit in. People can be so judegemental, including myself.
I should have left Portland, Maine the day I set foot off the bus at Greyhound here in Portland, Maine. Now I feel like a trapped lemming. Then I would be where I want to be
in my life: a place that I like. Portland, Maine is not that place. Should have left years ago and avoided all the bullshit I have been through.
And they say Portland, Maine and Maine in general are a great place to live? That is if you are rich and can avoid the bullshit that is thrown
out at us every day of the week by the media but people who are set in their ways and intent on destroying this beautiful little planet we call 'Mother Earth'. My little Earth. Some of are stewards whether we like it or not. I can do without the rest: greed, regular bombings of other cultures, and, oil being used as the excuse for all of this discrimination and strife caused by the Illuminati/Nerubian 1000 year war. That is, if you can stand dealing with the pettiness of being human and living in Portland, Maine and Maine in general. That is if your most inner shell has not cracked, yet. I feel like my shell is about to explode so there is only one thing left to do: Crawl back into it and be Oblivious for a while. Time to move on and up, up, up, like my former slumlord used to say in between bouts of being a nasty drunk. Poor Donald. I wonder what that bitch is up to these days??? I saw her at Shop and Save recently but I almost ran out of the store as I don't want to speak with HER ever again.

Maverick Ashley Lenartson

P.S. Google my name and you may be surprised.

P.P.S. I love self Promotion. It is the only way to go.